I need to go deeper, to understand deeper. This is a sort of obsession for me lately, but I think the best thing to always do, and in chaotic moments moreover, is to fully and deeply understand the medium we're moving through.
To understand as much as possible and with the best knowledge all the circumstances that surround us is the first step to clarify our ideas, to reassess our priorities and to take decisions that aren't just acts of anger.
Following my instinct, I would resign from the job right now, then I'd pack the van and head north. And that would suffice.
But this would be forgetting alot of important issues: one of these is that I've understood that I don't dislike this job, I dislike these people. The Boss seems to have a different attitude towards me in the last days, being clearly satisfied by the quality I can give him, and this makes me feel better, at least one thing is emerging.
Still, there's the big problem of time. As it's said in "Blade Runner" I need more time. Just more time. More time to forget about bad days at work, more time to do Rockatrocity, Lou Ferrino, Brad Pitt, The Joker, Frank's Wild Years, La Pelle, La Boule, The Great Shark Hunt, Il Signore degli Anelli, The Roof Direct, Out of Service Sit Start, Fata Morgana, Sale Gosse assis, Le Toit du Greau. More time to read. More time to love. More time to laugh. More time to waste.
I sometimes think I don't have to leave this firm. Yesterday night though, I was thinking about resigning today. I'm still not deep enough in my knowledge, so I tighten my fists and stand still. Time. Time. I can do this kind of job, I can do it well and I like it, unless it becomes the centre of my life. It must become the scenery in front of which another actor steps into the lights. It must become the material motor of new plans. It must become that part of the day that enables me to have fun in the other parts of the day. I need more time. More time to do something new with The Guru and the guys from Projectzero, maybe somewhere in UK. A new shop? A new wall? Training programmes? Lectures? Slideshows?
If I have time I can do everything.