I think I'm in big, big trouble.
I went to the gym yesterday, and I felt quite good, despite two small holes in both my index fingers and a pretty wet, sweaty, thin skin. Unfortunately, I'm not Keith, and thin skin isn't my only weakness, but I did well, mainly feeling good more than doing really hard suff. I dare to say I was climbing well, and I did enjoy at the highest my new shoes and my Prana vest.
Happy about the session, and also about the latest couple of days out on real rock, I thought I'd kick back for a couple of days, letting skin recover for next week, and basically taking it easy, going out and getting drunk with friends, saying silly things to girls and so on. The classics.
So why do I think I'm in trouble?
Because I'm sitting here, watching bouldering videos and fighting the urge to have a serious power session at my fingerboard. I've been challenging this feeling in the last weeks, because I don't want it to take over me, but I really am a sad power junkie. If it was up to me, I'd train power 365 days a year, and technique the other 365. I would like to train every day, and every day progressing a bit in something, endlessly. I don't dare to say that power to me is more important than the actual climbing, because it's not true, but for indoors it IS true. Sometimes I find it harder to train at the wall than to do a campus or finger session. Power is less boring than climbing, sometimes.
But this isn't the biggest trouble I'm deep into.
The biggest trouble is that just watching a couple of videos of people bouldering in Chironico, made me ready to drop everything to go climbing right now. I mean, if i was alone, I'd probably have phoned to the Boss, telling him something like "thank you really for offering the job, but I made a big mistake, I thought I really wanted to work, but it's not true, I want to climb".
I'm scared, scared, scared by this feeling of this afternoon.
I really don't care about the job, unless it's in terms of how it can make me climb more and better. I want to climb as the thing I want the most in my fucking life. It's terrible to finally admit this, terrible for me, because I know I'm capable of suddenly dropping everything, and therefor terrible for those who are close to me, mostly my girlfriend and my parents. Sadly, although they love me, I know that they simply CAN'T understand.
Sometimes I feel so lonely in this. I have noone to share this feelings, I don't dare to talk about this to anyone else except those who read this blog, and my friend Andrea, the only person who I can talk with about these things without feeling judged. So probably I don't FEEL lonely, I AM alone. Alone with my passion and desire to train and climb, to give my best at the thing I do best. Because everything else I do, I do it well, but nothing except climbing represents me completely. Everything else I do is a part of my whole being, something a big part, something else a small part, and all these parts sum up to a big portion of what I am, but only climbing, can represent me on its own as my complete being. I am my climbing, my climbing is what I am. As simple as that.
I have met thousands of people in my life. Some by chance, some for friendship, some for work, some for pleasure and then thousands of others for thousands of other reasons. All these people have known me for something I have told them, or I may have done with them, for them, against them. Amongst all these people, only the ones who I've climbed with, really got to know my whole being, my entire person, even if we shared a few minutes together. Those who climbed with me can really say they know me, not because they know everything about me, but because they knew me deeply, they met me doing the thing I love the most, and it's true because only when I'm climbing I am fulfilling my desire, only when I'm climbing I feel deeply, truly, sincerely myself, with all my downsides, my qualities, my talents, and my frustrations. But only in climbing I accept them as my true being, because I am free to chose whatever I like, because everything is up to me and doesn't involve anyone else but me.
Only in climbing I take my responsibilities at the highest level, because I am doing what I really want, what I really love, and I know that I won't be betrayed by my climbing because my climbing is me.
This is why I feel I'm in trouble.