Today (it's monday night) Michele Caminati came to Amiata. He quickly worked and dispatched the roof project, giving it a miserable 8a. He said it can't be 8a+ (what I was thinking) because today he was feeling tired and he's not at top form now. Then I took him to "Ossezia" roof, and he did it in three tries, giving it a miserable 8a/+ again (we think benchmark 8a+).
So, now I am in doubt. I think I have never climbed 8a, and probably never will. I don't know, I have no more any certainty. In the moment of doubt, I have to look into myself, I have to refer to myself. I have to find every certainty inside myself.
I know many people don't believe what I do, what I say, and before I used to care alot about it. I was always trying to prove my facts. Then I decided it wasn't worth caring, and I stepped out of the bunch. I said things. I said what I shouldn't have said. I said 8a. Now perhaps it's time to step back into the bunch, to hide, to say nothing. Now perhaps it's time to take that number and letter back. Now perhaps it's time to start caring again about what others say.
I have to stop thinking I'm always right, always honest. I have to concede that I may be wrong, that all the training just isn't enough. I don't have it. So I won't hit it.
I will start again from the basics.
The basics are being happy for the little things. Today I have a few little things to be happy about: I did again the first crux move on the roof; I found a better foot placement for the crimp move; I managed to unlock another move on "Ossezia", so I have only another move to do; I managed to climb a full day without taping my wrist and without major pain.
All these little happinesses, put one on the other, don't make a full happiness. And I don't know where to find a full happiness, regarding climbing of course, now, if not in the fullness of my committment and dedication. But it's like if someone had put my dreams to a stop.