When I think about it, it shocks me how little I've been climbing in the past 8 months.
I have been busy drinking and partying for the last days, and now, with my body covered by a horrid patina of freshly alcohol induced fat, I feel very depressed, and at the same time ready to start back again.
Last week's tests made me confident, at least on the finger strength side. Still wonder about pure power: when at the gym with Tom and Rich I could still do three one armers on a good campusboard rung - at the end of the session - and although it was one month ago, and I've been out injured since, I don't think it's all disappeared.
At least I could climb in good style, that means something.
Anyway it's boiling here lately, and I heard the gym is just not climbable: fueled by on mighty post from 8b monster Paul B (http://thecrippledclimber.blogspot.com/2008/07/gym-rant-2.html) I thought I'll start a serious weights program. The Guru was immediately contacted and things are up to be started on Monday. Overall power is the name of the game, the idea is finding myself ripped as during past winter but twice the size and three times stronger. Ok, maybe just three times stronger. I'm quite excited about this it's been ages since I did some weights to train power. I'm also very curious to find the magic formula in which an increase in lean muscle (and therefore in body weight) will produce such gains in power that will overcompensate the bulking. I think, if I take, say, three kilos it will be around 5% of my total weight, but if those three kilos of muscle will give me even just 6% more power, the maths is on my side. We will see.
Very very hard times on "normal life" front lately.
Being again without a job and some money doesn't help the feeling of being deprived of something. I lately wrote that I need to climb more. That's what it is: I need it, I don't just want it. How did I found out?
Because I found myself feeling something that never was part of my charachter: Envy. I was reading some friends' scorecards on 8a.shit and I was just envious, because they were climbing things that I'm longing for, and I can't. Why can't I? Because I'm scared to take all the responsibility that this would imply. I got to the conclusion that the path of the climbaholic is a narrow path on which there's room just for one. I'm not ready to find myself alone on that path, neither I want so.
I want to give my girlfriend everything she deserves from our love, and I'm struggling at this now. We still haven't found a formula good enough to make ourselves 100% happy. Maybe we are at 99% now, but even if so, we have to do better.
This may seem so selfish to read, and I'm not blaming anyone. Love is a hard thing to carry on, it takes dedication and spontaneity at the same time. My girlfriend woul like me to start some climbing related business, she thinks it's the only thing that could make me truly happy, and I know she's right. I just need another job to have my back covered financially.
I want to get rid of the envy. Envy is a horrible feeling, it means judging others, it means thinking that others are just more lucky than yourself, and that they reap rewards that are bigger than their efforts. It means thinking "I am better than they are but I am unlucky", it means, briefly, to be a whiny bastard who refuses to take his responsibilities for his actions.
That's why I feel so bad now.