Monday, 9 May 2011


My ascent of the roof extension is not valid. I did not complete the problem.
I was wondering why I woke up at 6 am on Sunday morning, instead of having a lie in in the glory of my success: because I had not succeeded, I had failed. My body knew what my mind refused to accept: despite doing all the hard part, I failed on a move and fell. I had never fallen there before, and when I found myself on the ground, my joy for having done the moves I had never done before took over and I found myself running around screaming, arms up in the air. I mistook the joy of progression with the joy of success. This rush of emotion and adrenalin kept pumping and before I could realize it I was already at the market buying a bottle of Champagne to celebrate.
I needed to succeed to take the pressure off. I fooled myself into thinking that because I never fall on those moves, I could take the tick; well, I can't.
Sometimes in the past I have been a bit self indulgent, not caring about dabs or not toping out on problems on which I was scared or simply lazy.
This time is different. This is one of the greatest challenges of my climbing career, and I want to do it properly.
What shocks me, is how fragile my mind is on this matter, and how I managed to convince myself that I had done it. It took me two days to realize it, it happened finally this afternoon while I was driving home. I could not be happy anymore, my desire was still there, unfulfilled, and the beast was still hungry.
It's shocking really.
I think one of the factors of this foolishness is that I knew I needed to detach myself from the problem, to finally climb it, and I think that my mind took this great chance to release the pressure, and behave just AS IF I had done it, to make me relax and do it properly in a close future. In this process I lost myself, something went wrong and I completely deluded myself, and my closest friends and loves. The process of acting AS IF, to detach from the problem and finally climb it, has worked fine for me in the past, but this time it took over. I lied to myself for one split second, and then it all crumbled down. Unluckily, saturday I also had forgotten - on purpose? - my camera, and being on my own, no one could prove me wrong. Luckily, I finally proved myself wrong, and I am so happy.
I wanted to make this gift to my girlfriend, also. Coming back home, for once, with a great success to dedicate to her devotion for me and my obsessions.
It's so simple when I think about it: you either got to the top or you didn't. How could it be possible to get lost between these two simple alternatives, still is a mistery for me.
But the joy was true. Only, it was a joy for progress, not for success.
This is really a journey inside myself, my mind, my obsessions, my weaknesses and my worst demons. I learnt something new about myself, and what I found out is a monster.


martin said...

at least you catched the monster right after you found it! thanx for sharing your "demons" - something very few people do and for sure nobody speaks that out in the net - respect for that!

cool down, take a step back, and if you not send it this spring, fall will come pretty soon. i woud love to skip summer and i allready cant wait for fall to arrive in swizzy ;)

and dont forget: its "just" bouldering ;)

greez, martin

lore said...

thanks Martin, and thank you all for being nice!!! I really really appreciate it.