Tuesday, 27 April 2010


Sometimes, the clarity of my vision terrifies me.
In this vision a see a man, whose only care is climbing. It's the thing he loves the most, and climbing and preparing himself to climb stronger, are the two things that make him happiest. In this vision, this man is sad and depressed when he can't climb, whatever the cause: a relationship, work, family issues, bad weather or an injury. Anything putting his desire to a stop is a enemy, an obstacle to a bigger happiness. Far from being obsessed, this man only strives to fully appreciate his love for climbing, to dedicate all the time he can to being happy, simply happy in doing what he loves the most. When his climbing doesn't go well, this man is also sad, but this sadness quickly turns into a new desire to get better and stronger.
This man is fully himself when he's climbing, and only in climbing he's fully himself: in this he is also fully free, because his climbing is for him absolutely useless in the terms of "normal" people. It doesn't give him money or fame, it's completely and purely useless, therefore, completely free.
When the vision gets deeper, I see and understand that this man is ready, at any given moment, to give up and abandon anything he's doing to go climbing, and if he doesn't do it, it's just because he pauses and reflects over the cosenquences of his behaviour. But he knows he's ready. He often regrets his past decisions, when he was young and had nothing and noone to tie him down to his responsibilities: he didn't take advantage of good chances, and those are now gone and forever. So every time this man has to drive for hours on his own to get some climbing done, he regrets all his past decisions, that could have made his life better. He knows his life would be better, because he knows what he wants now. This regrets, though, aren't enough to stop him from desiring ever more, or from driving that extra distance, or from training once more.
In my vision, this man wants to tell all the young climbers to never let go of a good opportunity to be happier, in whatever way they want, because there's always time to be responsible.
So I'm sure you can understand why, when I see myself in that man, the clarity of my vision terrifies me.


GCW said...

I find what you say very familiar, Nibs.
When I was younger (a long time ago) I climbed harder than I do now, but because I was climbing hard I didn't think about it. Then I dislocated my shoulder and have never climbed hard since.
Now I have a family but the desire still burns in me. Occasionally I need to go out, to acheive, but I can't due to family commitments. This irks me, makes me feel miserable just when I should be happy to be with the people I love.
It's a weird mish mash, a rollercoaster ride. When I look back I don't see the problem sI tocked, I often see the ones I didn't, or the ones I never tried.

We are driven, obsessed even. What we succeed on only leads to another, higher, bar.

There is no cure for us, no salvation.

Dieselryder said...

Come on Lore, we´re still right here!!!

me said...