Thursday, 11 December 2008


How long should I go on complaining? No longer.
For how long have I been going on complaining? For too long.
Even one minute would have been too much time to be dedicated to last weekend's unfortunate trip. I also surprise myself for writing down such a whiny post. What was that really pissed me off? I know now. It was not being able to compete on an equal footing. It was being hindered by something on which I had no control. This is what made me lose my calm and, ultimately, my sense of humour.
I train alot. I train to be prepared, both technicallyand physically, which leads to being more prepared also mentally. But can I train to face events like the ones that spoilt my weekend? No. You can't train for that, you have to cope. You have to find the right perspective, you have to put things down right again. Ultimately, it's the trust in myself, the lack of that trust, that spoilt my stay in Varazze. My friends play the gave we always play: we look for a weak one, and we bash him. That's the breaks. I was out of the game. I chose to play, though. I had a very bad hand, I bluffed and I lost.
Could have it gone differently? Yes, I could have crushed Alfa Centauri and I could have gotten home with a freshly made wad reputation.
Would have it meant alot? Yes, because I train to be good, not to be unable to climb.
Then what?
When I did the first and only repeat to date of OOS this past winter, I came to the gym one day and everyone came and shook my hand, congratulating. I was very happy and very proud. But now no one remembers about that, and it's damn right and obvious, just as no one would have been remembering about Alfa, should I have sent it, after a few days. Everything happens inside of my self. No one can live on single feats, because as I was shown some time ago, you are always questioned, you are always doubted, you are always put under examination. I don't know the reasons of this, I would like to, but finally I don't care.
What hurts is that I feel like I betrayed myself, I was hoping to impress my buddies, while the only thing that counts to me is to impress my self. That's why the battle was lost even before the start.
Next time.


filinofilini said...

First of all congratulations on your blog. It's really cool.
I read your post last night and tried to call you.
I am sorry about your feelings about last weekend, especially when you say that it is going to be the last time for you to climb with us. That is sad.
I do not completely understand your rivalry with Luca. I don't understand why he keeps insulting you (and me) for not having a normal job like him (is his job normal? Is any job normal? is anybody normal?...) or for not climbing at 100% of your potential. Also he seems not to accept the fact that you (and I?) train as a pro, but it is a problem of his.
At the same time I don't understand why it is so important for you to compete with him. For me it's not. It really isn't. I am not depressed now for not being able to climb anything in Varazze, considering that I was healthy, and I don't complaint for him to prove to be stronger than me. I never make fun of him when I climb something he cannot climb. I don't care.
Last time it seemed like the most important thing for you was being better than Luca (and me, but I am too weak to compete...). And if you are not it is normal that he makes fun of you.
Generally speaking I find it very funny insulting each other for our weaknesses, it is hilarious, and honestly I did not realize I hurt you when I said that climbing weekends in a new place show your real strenght. That is my opinion. You may say you disagree and it is fine. My reasoning is that if you are stonger than somebody you climb problems faster, than you have more power to climb other things in the same day and you can climb harder. It makes sense to me. In sport climbing I think you prove your power in one or two days in a new place. Of course Gullich spent a long time on Action Direct, and Core did not flash Gioia sit start, but still I think that MY OWN level depends on what I can onsight or climb fast. This is what I was referring to.
Don't worry about me to mention your low performance around. That has never happened with anyone who has climbed with me, for what I can remember. I definitely do not care about this. I just mention my realizations to close friends. What other people say has no interest. For me frustration is part of climbing, failure is part of climbing. But somehow we love it. That's it
Last thing: I am 185 cm, I am not a basket player!!!
Hope to see you soon to climb and train together, nel nome del Signore e della Vergine Maria.
Che figata...
Un abbraccio

lore said...

hey filo!
that blog entry was largely due to my frustration. i was thinking that you and luca won't clim with me again because i've been an awful person to have around in that trip. i was very angry towards everyone who could climb well, i was envious.
it's been a bad trip, but as its better side it showed a bad side of myself that still hadn't come into the light.
only now, i can start working on that again.
thank you for posting here and for training with me.