TODAY'S THOUGHT

Probably it's because of the many many Cuba Libre's I drank last night, but today I had a brilliant thought that will change my life. It is

I NEED TO CLIMB MORE.

I know, it's fucking genius, but don't be nervous, sooner or later maybe even some of you will taste the joy of having such an illumination.

Maybe.

SESSION # 8

I am unable to fully rest.

Given that I didn't have the permit from my girlfriend to go bouldering, because I have to help her with her exam, I decided to do a brief testing session avoiding the painful positions.

After the usual warm up I did some easy pull ups on the bigger holds, and I felt really really good because the holds felt dry and grippy. I did:

- one arm max deadhangs on 1,5 cm edge x 10, long rests (no stopwatch);

- mini circuits of 20" deadhang on slopers, max deadhang on good slopey edges, 10" deadhang then 10" 90° lockoffs on 1 cm edge x 4, long rests (pumpy);

- abs crunch 50 x 4, 30" rests;

- flat suspensions 30" x 6, 30" rests.

I'm very happy about how I felt, and mostly because I set my PB on 1,5 cm edge: 12 seconds.

Ice and massage now.

COME ON.

ROCK DEPRIVATION

I'm dying to go bouldering. I want to go boudering so much.

Still, I'm trying to be patient and let my injury recover. To be honest I am very disappointed, after the climbing at Amiata Top on sunday it's been painful and swollen, a very big drawback. It was feeling good the days before, so I smartly didn't tape it. Good idea man. Anyway I read a few articles on stress fractures, and they state that putting pressure on the bone is not good, it will delay the recovery.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm pissed.

I want to boulder, I want to train, fuck fuck fuck I can't.

Ok, I'll try to keep my usual and famous calm and take it easy: after all I don't think I'm going to lose all my power in one month, hopefully. I'll try to do some easy climbing on thursday and then will go back to home town for some days of alcohol and fun with friends. Nice girls with short skirts are always a good sight when you're a bit drunk and feel immortal.

On this matter I would like to tell you two crucial episodes of my life. In both occasions I was drunk, I was with friends, there was music, I had been climbing, and while taking a pee in the wood, I thought "I always want to live like this".

This is what I'm longing for. It's so reassuring, it's so beautiful to know it.

WORK POLITICS

In three of the four job offers I received and evaluated, I was to substitue a woman. I have been said that in various ways, but the only truth that was behind is that women are dangerous to employ because if they get pregnant, they will have to leave the job for a fixed amount of time, because the law says this, before and after the birth to take care of the baby, while obviously being paid.

I think it's fairly common to try not to employ women because of this danger, and I think it's quite terrible.

BOULDERING!!!

Sunday I finally managed to go back climbing at the top of Mount Amiata after almost one year. To go there just once a year is a clear sign of my stupidity: the place is absolutely magnificent. First of all you climb at 1500 meters above the sea, and given that today it was 35° it's been a good call. Then, there's an enormous potential: I have seen at least ten new lines to be cleaned just walking around twenty minutes today. Third: there's no third, the two before reasons are enough.

Sadly the wrist is far from healed, and I'm typing with an ice bag on it now.

The rock is very aggressive, and after an afternoon of bouldering my fingers were screaming so much that I couldn't hear my friends yelling where the footholds were.

Anyway I think I climbed well, still very concerned about the wrist, and therefore still not powerfully, but decently. I'm sad I couldn't repeat one problem I did last year, but wrong sequence and paniful skin hindered me: I got the hold on my last try but it was too painful to cling to it.

I found a new project: it's hard. I couldn't do any of the moves. You have a good undercling for right hand, a bad vertical crimp for left hand and very bad feet; dyno out left hand to a small crimp (still bigger then the one in the roof project), then bring right foot very very high and right, squeeze as if it was the last thing you do in your life and go right hand to a bad slopey crimp-pinch-knob. Now bring left foot very very high to your left hand, and go left hand to a diagonal gaston for two fingers, don't let go and go again left hand to the good hold. Top out and scream yourself numb. It's a roof.

I have to train.

So plans are to rest one day and maybe go back on tuesday to clean some boulders and climb more new lines. Then another rest day and some more climbing. Then another rest day and some more climbing.

Could you tell my life has changed lately?

TAKE A MAN

Take a man who's not sure about himself, who's trying to find a way in his life that corresponds in some way to what he loves but also to what he has studied for his whole life.

Take this man and tell him lies. Watch him believe them.

Make him work and work and just work, with the promise of much more work coming. Put him under pressure, tell him he's not doing enough, not fast enough.

Now look how long does this man take before he starts to bend, and to set his life according to your plans. Watch him measure every minute in his day. Watch him rush to the supermarket to gulp a sandwich, and then rush back to work asking himself why the hell he is rushing. He is rushing back to work nonetheless. He doesn't know why, but he does it. Because he's bent.

Repeat for a few more days, and now watch him calculate that if he showers and shaves before going to bed at night, he will save 10 minutes in the morning. Watch him be proud of this idea.

Take some more days. Be patient, and take even a few more.

Now watch this man as he starts to hate whoever, whatever steps into his way, making him lose time. Even five minutes are a treasure now. Watch him get back home and hate his girlfriend because dinner is not ready, because they will eat late, and because it will steal time to his sleep. Watch him become more and more a false human, an envelope of a human, with nothing inside.

Watch this man carefully:

are you happy?

ANOTHER LESSON

Reverend Doylo has his sunday sermon, I will have my thursday lesson. Today's lesson has been: listen to yourself.

I am at home now, after a two hours long panick attack that destroyed me while at work. I started trembling, my mind in a cloud, and thought I was going to faint or die. I couldn't breathe and I didn't know what to do. Finally I resolved to call my girlfriend, she told me "get the fuck out of there" but I was scared even to stand, let alone going out and driving home. I was absolutely terrified, but finally managed to get downstairs and to go away.

I'll go back to the firm tomorrow or monday to officially resign.

It's been a tough tough lesson to learn.

SESSION # 7

I just don't want to let go this moment of renewed will to train, especially given that after all I'm not training that much compared to past standards, just quick sessions at the board, but I think it's good to let the wrist heal under pressure. I read an interesting article somewhere about active recovery of injuries, saying that after the initial high inflammatory phase, during which you have to rest, you should go back to doing something, even specific, because while put under some kind of gentle and progressive effort tissues heal faster and better. Must search again. Opinions?

The session went better than last one. Still not feeling powerful though.

- assisted one armers on 1,5 cm, x3 each arm, 4 sets, 4' rests;

- ATP on 1 cm, 20" deadhangs x10, 20" rests between;

- max 90° lockoffs on 1,5 cm, x2 each arm, 4' rests;

- abs: liying on the ground, 30" with feet and shoulders lifted, straight legs, x 7, 30" rests between.

Would like to do something more tonight, then two days off, hope to climb on sunday.

Another job interview on saturday.

ON A SIDE NOTE...

while doing some research, I found out (I really didn't know it!!!) that there's a demonstrated link between obesity, or anyway higher weight, and sleep deprivation. The less you sleep, the more you're prone to putting up weight.

This is really important for me, because I want to feel good with my body, and I think this is a crucial age.

SESSION # 6

Disclaimer: I'm typing this with "The Gladiator" soundtrack blasting from next door, so it may easily be nonsense.

Session # 6 was a horrible one. My stupid, deadly-cheese infested brain told me I was going to blast through the roof, obviously, after three weeks nursing a broken wrist. It didn't happen. I was poor and it only made me think even more that I'm getting fat. I don't think I'm really, but mind plays strange tricks you know. I had poor skin, that mixed with a rainforest climate called for some crimps action instead of slopers pulling. The wrist still isn't 100%, especially on slopey holds where I hurt it, but it's decent on crimps.

Anyway:

- 20" deadhangs on 1 cm edge, x 10 times, 20" rests between;

- 20" 90° lockoffs on 1,5 edge, x 10 times, 20" rests between;

- 20" deadhangs on slopers, x 10 times, 20" rests between;

- abs crunch, 50 x 4, 1' rests between.

Given that still I can't and don't want to pull too hard I thought some ATP work would do fine to get me back on track.

In the last weeks I had gotten very lazy due to my injury, but now I'm happy to be again obsessed by training. It's good to be addicted: this morning I have this pleasant feeling of stiffness in my muscles, forearms a bit worked, and I feel better overall, both in physical and mental terms.

I'm just sad I'm weak, or at least that I was weak yesterday, or at least that I was feeling weak.

A LIFE IN TWO DAYS

On friday night there was a pizza with the people of the firm, and I decided I would go, because it was very close to my house and because in doing so I can skip all the next dinners without letting them understand that I hate them. I have to be honest and to say that it's been a nice dinner, slightly spoilt by the fact that I found out that two of my colleagues were going to work the next morning at 6 (sic!), and that many are on Xanax pills in order to get some sleep.

Anyway...

Saturday I rested, and rested, and rested, until my girlfriend suggested to go and check the sea. Barrels rolling in, very off shore. I love her. I quickly taped my wrist not to let it bend, and paddled in, getting to the lineup without a single wet hair, so glassy it was. It's not been a very good session, I only had three good waves, but I was very concerned about making my injury worse, so I was never relaxed and trimmed enough to really let it flow. Note to self: next time wear the wetsuit. I got so cold.

Dinner was one of the best ever: despite having to work next morning, best friend Andrea came along driving more than one hour and we chatted about our lives until late. He's having a really hard time with a girl and he's giving me alot of moral support. He's also the one who took me climbing for the very first time more than 15 years ago. Best friend.

Sunday I went to Amiata. Still very cautious about my wrist I managed to climb well. I repeated one hard traverse with very painful holds that I couldn't do the last time, and then, finally found my sequance on "Arrostino's Wall" that Rich sent on his visit here. It's hard, and the moves are very strenuous and very long: I surprised myself by being able to get the razor crimp on every try with the new feet positioning, and next time I'll do it: I could have done it yesterday but still don't want to rush my recovery.

There was some sea getting in from SE this morning, maybe I'll get wet after work today. On a related note, the weather forecast is still terrible: rain again. I hope on these days to be able to climb a couple of hours in sasso after work.

I hope this moment of very good sensations on rock will last. I'm sure it will.

AND...

as the final note, yesterday the Boss told me: "You see, when you work this much, time passes so quickly that you don't even notice".

This is exactly what I don't want. I want to notice every moment I live, I don't want to live in a fog where everything is the same.

Finally, and just to add some numbers, after the 2,5 hours session with Tom and Rich I could still do 3 one armers on a good edge, 25 pull ups on a campus rung and 5 front lever pull ups.

DEEPER AND DEEPER

I need to go deeper, to understand deeper. This is a sort of obsession for me lately, but I think the best thing to always do, and in chaotic moments moreover, is to fully and deeply understand the medium we're moving through.

To understand as much as possible and with the best knowledge all the circumstances that surround us is the first step to clarify our ideas, to reassess our priorities and to take decisions that aren't just acts of anger.

Following my instinct, I would resign from the job right now, then I'd pack the van and head north. And that would suffice.

But this would be forgetting alot of important issues: one of these is that I've understood that I don't dislike this job, I dislike these people. The Boss seems to have a different attitude towards me in the last days, being clearly satisfied by the quality I can give him, and this makes me feel better, at least one thing is emerging.

Still, there's the big problem of time. As it's said in "Blade Runner" I need more time. Just more time. More time to forget about bad days at work, more time to do Rockatrocity, Lou Ferrino, Brad Pitt, The Joker, Frank's Wild Years, La Pelle, La Boule, The Great Shark Hunt, Il Signore degli Anelli, The Roof Direct, Out of Service Sit Start, Fata Morgana, Sale Gosse assis, Le Toit du Greau. More time to read. More time to love. More time to laugh. More time to waste.

I sometimes think I don't have to leave this firm. Yesterday night though, I was thinking about resigning today. I'm still not deep enough in my knowledge, so I tighten my fists and stand still. Time. Time. I can do this kind of job, I can do it well and I like it, unless it becomes the centre of my life. It must become the scenery in front of which another actor steps into the lights. It must become the material motor of new plans. It must become that part of the day that enables me to have fun in the other parts of the day. I need more time. More time to do something new with The Guru and the guys from Projectzero, maybe somewhere in UK. A new shop? A new wall? Training programmes? Lectures? Slideshows?

If I have time I can do everything.

LUNCH BREAK PUNCH

One of the reasons I was relaxed in the last couple of days, was that I had received a phone call on friday morning, about another possible job opportunity exactly where I was living this past winter, enabling me to leave a place where I have too much to work and not enough time to live, and, who knows, maybe applying for just a part time job this time.

Proximity to gyms and boulderers added to my psyche.

Sadly, today at lunch break they called me to tell me they have already employed someone else.

Wow, that's been a hard punch, I can tell you.

My mistake, to get far too excited about this possible change, but it was born under such circumstances that it made me very (too much) confident.

I have to start all over again.

Naturally, as if she was a beast that can smell a trapped victim, just while I was typing this the Vice Boss came up to give me shit, again, about being too slow (I did my job and another person's one this afternoon). I hate her more than anyone else here, because she's just a prisoner trying to rape other prisoners. The way she tries to have always control over every phone call, every document, every fax that arrives here is disgusting. The way she uses possessive adjectives while reffering to the job or even to the office furnitures ("my servers" "my printer") is depressing, exilarating and sad. Mostly sad. I really hate her. I hate her empty life, and I feel bad for her family, if she has one, because I'm sure their life is a hell, and if it's not, I hate them too because they go along well with her.

GODDAMN I'M PISSED.

MIND TRICKS

It's funny how we realize things. I've been raging about work for one month now, and thinking how much I hate it, and how much I want to quit, and how much I want to climb, train twice a day, and then climb more.

Now here I am, relaxed at my desk, peacefully working for the usual 10 hours, before going home, having dinner and going to bed to wake up tomorrow and do it all again without having anything to say about that, without complaining.

How come? It's easy, because I'm injured and can't climb or train.

Nothing rushes me.

Where's the funny bit? In the fact that this made me realize how much my life is fueled by climbing. If I can't climb for MY OWN REASONS, I don't care about spending the whole day at work. It's nice to know that I can't stay without climbing because now I can stay without climbing. Heh. Mind tricks. The beast is asleep. The beast will wake up soon. The beast will feed.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

Broken bones, dark skies, hangovers, lost keys, end of the world rain.

This is the scenery behind our last weekend. The Brit Guys came here in the rainiest year, so far, of the last 3 centuries, and the salvation ark was under the form of a wooden board, with sparsely put plastic holds. I'll spare you the chaos we had to face to finally get in, but finally we did get in. And we got in seriously.

I had one of the best sessions of the last months, even with my fractured wrist giving me some good worries and with the rest of my body practically held together with tape, and I really have to thank the Brits, because they were psyched out of their minds despite the terrible weather that hindered them to tick even more problems outside, and they really made me pull hard setting problems with long (and I mean long) moves between bad holds. Instant classics.

Dinner was one square meter of seafood, with everything from mussels to crabs. For now this is all I can tell you, the bare material facts. To know more about this period, you will have to wait for me to fully understand it, then I could tell you, maybe, something really worth reading.

WEEKEND WARRIORS UNITE!

Crappy weather means more rest, that is good for the body but bad for the mind. Since it's quite clear that the Brit Boys brought Brit weather along here, we will probably head to some gym during the weekend. Still don't know where, maybe I could make them sample the small gym in Amiata.

This continuous rain means also that I don't know whether Tartana Club will be open this saturday: if it will, a night of serious booze and girls scrutiny is already planned. My uncle Bruno is now one of Tom's and Rich's heroes, and given how much I love him, I know it's well deserved. I like how he swiflty and classy moves in the crowded club, offering drinks here and there.

It's incredible how I mutated into a weekend warrior, climbing wise. I know most climbers with jobs are weekend warriors, but I don't care. I don't have the ability to be a weekend warrior and climb hard. I need time. Again an entire afternoon and evening here with nothing to do, but unable to leave.

Dinner at friends' Osteria Trombicche tonight (http://www.trombicche.it), I'll try and make the boys taste tripes. JonBoy, come along!!!

INSTANTS

Of the last weeks, months perhaps, these two are the moments that carved the biggest impression in my mind:

- pulling through the "Chiesina Roof left exit" skipping the intermediate, just feeling my arm locking off deeper and deeper, and my body raising to the crimp;

- doing the first move on "Lourdes" effortlessly, with a great push from my right foot supporting all my bodyweight.

These two single moments made me explode in comments of surprise and disbelief, catching me totally unprepared.

I train for these moments. I swear for these moments. I suffer for these moments. I live for these moments.

BOULDERING AND LIFE

Boudering is a subtle, complex discipline. Discipline, not sport. Please.

It involves such different things that it resembles, in my depressed brain, to life. In bouldering you always have multiple options to solve one problem and find yourself on top, just as in life. But in bouldering there's only one pure line to the top, one easiest line and just that one: chosing a different path is ok, but we will spoil our energies to achieve something that would have required less from us. That excess spent is lost.

Life always puts us in front of choices: we have to find the perfect line in life, that one line that is the purest, hardest and easiest at the same time. The line in which there's no time for doubt, because all the time is spent in the joyful pursuit of the ascent, of the living itself, that becomes an all encompassing thing, in which we are one single entity that comprehens every aspect of our personality and reality, without separations of any kind, without dicotomies.

We have to balance ourselves between a hard lock off, a gentle smear, a huge dyno or a stylish drop knee, both in bouldering and life. Power, sadly, is not the only option.

So, thinkink about this I realized that I have to understand deeper what I'm into now. Before unleashing the rage, I have to understand if it's the purest and only line of this problem. If it is, I'll crush this problem, if it's not, I have to find another line, maybe a technical one, to jump on top.

Analyze: why do I hate this job now? Because it permeates every minute of my life. I get up at 7 30, which is not terrible, I know, even if I need lots of sleep to fully recover, but then I get back home at 8 pm. Then I train, which leads to 10 pm at least. Then I have to do all the other things that are part of my life. In just a couple of hours before falling asleep.

So, I have no time for improvisation. Every minute is already booked. I'm always feeling tired. This clearly isn't the purest line. Everything revolvs around time: I have not enough time. Finding the purest line, in this problem, is finding time and using it to its best. So I have to understand how and where I can find time.

RESOURCE MANAGEMENT

They are so well organized here that after days and days of working more then ten hours a day, now there are five people here without anything to do because everything's already done and prepared at least until tuesday.

So yesterday I was hating them for all the work they make me do, now I hate them because I have nothing to do but can't go away.

Just another way to steal my time.

Climbing wise, I feel my wrist less painful and stiff. I can almost fully bend it. I hope it heals soon, because I definitely want to climb, but I will take advantage from the absolutely crappy weather we're having and will rest as much as I can. If the weather in Uk is fine, it's clear the brit boys brought the rain from there.

YOU

You must have thought many times, while reading this blog, and especially lately, "what the fuck does this guy complains about? He is always complaining, about his power, about his technique, about his job, about not having a job (did I really? Don't think so). What the hell does he want?"

I have to admit that all those are legitimate questions.

So now I will give you the answer to what I want.

I want the best.

I want the best for me, for my life, and nothing less and nothing else.

The other day I drove home from work thinking that I wanted that day back, because it had been a bad day, in which I hadn't done anything that really made me happy except eating an enormous sandwich with Parma ham.

But I will never ever get that day back. Never, fucking never. I don't want this to ever happen again.

I can solve my problems with power (can I really?) and with technique (just get more power and it's sorted).

I only have problems with work. I may sound trivial or naive, but I simply don't like to work, and I try do do it as little as I can. Now this thing is affecting both the two only important things in my life: my climbing and my relationship. I get home and am destroyed, can't train or climb how I'd like and can't love my girlfriend how I'd like and how she deserves. I can't give her all the time she needs from me, and I can't have hers, because I'm always tired and depressed.

I have a limited number of days to live. I cannot lose days anymore.

I know, I sound stupid, pathetic: but I would like to take you all here, to witness the foolish rat race that takes place every day. The winner is the one who runs the most, who does the most, who sacrifices his person and life the most, just for a glance of appreciation from the Boss. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.

One last thing.

You may start rubbing your hands in anticipation, eagerly waiting for the moment I'll quit this nightmare, and for the raging words that will come from my mouth while getting away from hell.

Don't wait for those words. I will not say the truth. I will not tell them why I quit the job. I will not open their eyes. I will let them all spoil their lives. I want them all to be wanting their lives back.

Because I hate them.

IT'S ME AGAINST THE WORLD

I finally managed to take Tom and Rich bouldering, vanishing their efforts of a fingerboarding trip. I'm very impresses: they dispatched.

I was feeling good and strong yesterday, and today I was full throttle for Out Of Service sit start. As we walked in, the wet leaves on the ground immediately let me know I had no chance, but the guys were psyched, and again they dispatched.

I was feeling very sad at moments because my right wrist was very painful: some time ago while training one armers on the sloper, I heard a pop. Tonight we had dinner with some friends that are doctors and after a quick - and painful - visit I found out I have micro fractured one bone in my wrist. Fucking excellent, no wonder I couldn't press out on mantles.

Tomorrow it will probably rain, tuesday I will go again to work, facing again something that I hate.

Apart from this, I'm quite happy about my climbing: I was definitely again on my feet, and this made me feel quite powerful.

But now I'm so fucking bored about training: I would like to climb abroad and reap the fruits of seven months of hard work.

And I'm fucking bored of crying and whining on this fucking blog. It's about time to get something done.