The brits arrived yesterday night, full of gifts and psyche. I had to tell them many times NOT to train on the fingerboard right after their arrival at home at 1 am: the Mother of All Fingerboards clearly has some class and fascination.
Anyway I'm sorry because when they arrived I was feeling terrible, and still am, despite them finding me in good shape, because yesterday evening marked another turning point in the current chaos that's my life.
Just when I was thinking about settling down for a while, thinking more about work and trying to be a good boy and go on working an average of ten hours a day (my contract is for eight) without actually panicking, it all crumbled down.
The boss called me and told me that in his opinion I haven't been doing enough, regardless of the quality of my work. He clearly wants someone who's completely obsessed by work, who has no other interests, just as he is. I am always pointed at my colleague of the next door, who is a young lady working thirteen hours a day including saturdays. All this conversation took place while he was listening to "The Gladiator" soundtrack, that he uses, in his words, to get more motivation and more energy to always do more and run more, and to give the idea of how he sees work.
I still don't know how he sees work or how he sees me, but now I see him as a poor fascist, and not much more.
The other day it came out somehow, that I am a climber. His comment was "Yes, you have the pace of an alpinist, who walks slowly but always gets to the end. But here we have to run and always get to the end". Mmmkay...
So I found myself completely lost in a deep dark sea that lies between my good intentions and the newly dicovered reality. This saddens me alot, because it seems to me that there's no escape from the assholes, they always turn out.
All this also made me very dubious about the real characteristics of the category I chose to work for: it seems to be made of rich men who are not ashamed to keep unpaid workers, simple racists, workaholics of all kinds. This really made me feel sad, and in danger. Do I really want to work for people like this? Is there someone in this category that's not that way? How long must I search to find a human being, a true human being in the old meaning of HUMANITAS?
Fuck me I'm so sad, so disappointed, and so pissed.
He told me to try and understand what I really want: he doesn't know that I already did, and that he is not in my plans anymore.