Well, as many of you may have understood, I use this blog as a precious exhaust valve, to say things that often I can't say to anyone, yet are too bitter to swallow.
I was talking about daring to be happy lately. How foolish can this bet be, for me, climbing wise? How fool am I, trying to achieve some (very relative) climbing excellence, some climbing improvement, some goals? How stupid am I, in setting myself goals that not only are objectively difficult, but more over also far away? Is this a quick excuse I give myself for not achieving them? Is this something the likes of a Linus blanket? How hard could reality hit me, should I really invest my all self to climb the problems I want to climb?
One quick example: the long periods that Keith spends in Font, don't add anything to his ability to crush hard problems. When he gets to a boulder problem, it doesn't matter how long he's been in Font, he actually has to CLIMB the problem. It's not that because he's been there for one period of time that he gets some kind of bonus, like starting one move into it, or a power spot.
What I want to say is that, maybe, for my mental sanity, it's far better for me not having the chances to seriously try many of my projects, because serious dedication could lead to serious failure, while moderate, dream-like dedication always leaves a door open for dreaming about succeeding.
Is this really important? Oh, yes, it is.
All these ramblings, to be very honest, arent' what I initially wanted to say. Anyway, they have been fueled by Dobbin's post on UKB about his (excellent) send of "The Joker". I won't spend words to talk about this problem and its implications, if you don't know it, well I pity you.
Reading his post made me happy for him, and, I'm sorry Dobbo, a bit sad for myself. "Oh, not again! Stop this!" I hear you saying. Well, you're right. I'll stop it here.
What I really miss are the chances. Why I prefer to climb Rock Atrocity, or Brad Pit, or Frank's Wild Years, or Fata Morgana, rather than any other boulder problem closer to home, I don't know. Oh, that's not true. I know why. Because they are better boulder problems than anything that I have close. Anyway, right now I can't anymore bear the pressure of not being sure whether I can or can't climb these problems. Right now I want to discover. I could discover that I can't do them, but I could also discover that I can, or I could also actually do them. Anyway, I would finally earn some objective knowledge that I could begin something new on: I can't climb them? Well, get back to training. I can? Well, try to climb them. I climbed them? Well, be happy and move on to something new.
This perennial state of doubt, of unsureness is really stressing me. I want to know, I'm bored about guessing.
Finally, probably the hardest thing to admit. Why is this moment of doubt so hard to bear now? Well, to be very honest, and to probably contradict everything I've written, it's so hard now because there's no real doubt: I'm fairly sure that I can crush those problems. Maybe not all of them, maybe not without effort (and luckily so) but, right now, I am fairly positive that they are within my general ability.
Does this help? At all, my friends, at all. It just makes everything harder. Finally, just as I'm writing these lines, I discovered that being doubtful about my chances to climb those problems is my REAL EXHAUST VALVE. If I keep thinking that maybe I can't do them, I can keep part of my sanity and stick to going to the gym and to prepare myself for the one day when...; but if, for one second, I stop, and I reflect, and I know that I feel that I can climb those problems, oh, everything becomes really really hard to bear.
Harder than the doubt.
I was talking about daring to be happy lately. How foolish can this bet be, for me, climbing wise? How fool am I, trying to achieve some (very relative) climbing excellence, some climbing improvement, some goals? How stupid am I, in setting myself goals that not only are objectively difficult, but more over also far away? Is this a quick excuse I give myself for not achieving them? Is this something the likes of a Linus blanket? How hard could reality hit me, should I really invest my all self to climb the problems I want to climb?
One quick example: the long periods that Keith spends in Font, don't add anything to his ability to crush hard problems. When he gets to a boulder problem, it doesn't matter how long he's been in Font, he actually has to CLIMB the problem. It's not that because he's been there for one period of time that he gets some kind of bonus, like starting one move into it, or a power spot.
What I want to say is that, maybe, for my mental sanity, it's far better for me not having the chances to seriously try many of my projects, because serious dedication could lead to serious failure, while moderate, dream-like dedication always leaves a door open for dreaming about succeeding.
Is this really important? Oh, yes, it is.
All these ramblings, to be very honest, arent' what I initially wanted to say. Anyway, they have been fueled by Dobbin's post on UKB about his (excellent) send of "The Joker". I won't spend words to talk about this problem and its implications, if you don't know it, well I pity you.
Reading his post made me happy for him, and, I'm sorry Dobbo, a bit sad for myself. "Oh, not again! Stop this!" I hear you saying. Well, you're right. I'll stop it here.
What I really miss are the chances. Why I prefer to climb Rock Atrocity, or Brad Pit, or Frank's Wild Years, or Fata Morgana, rather than any other boulder problem closer to home, I don't know. Oh, that's not true. I know why. Because they are better boulder problems than anything that I have close. Anyway, right now I can't anymore bear the pressure of not being sure whether I can or can't climb these problems. Right now I want to discover. I could discover that I can't do them, but I could also discover that I can, or I could also actually do them. Anyway, I would finally earn some objective knowledge that I could begin something new on: I can't climb them? Well, get back to training. I can? Well, try to climb them. I climbed them? Well, be happy and move on to something new.
This perennial state of doubt, of unsureness is really stressing me. I want to know, I'm bored about guessing.
Finally, probably the hardest thing to admit. Why is this moment of doubt so hard to bear now? Well, to be very honest, and to probably contradict everything I've written, it's so hard now because there's no real doubt: I'm fairly sure that I can crush those problems. Maybe not all of them, maybe not without effort (and luckily so) but, right now, I am fairly positive that they are within my general ability.
Does this help? At all, my friends, at all. It just makes everything harder. Finally, just as I'm writing these lines, I discovered that being doubtful about my chances to climb those problems is my REAL EXHAUST VALVE. If I keep thinking that maybe I can't do them, I can keep part of my sanity and stick to going to the gym and to prepare myself for the one day when...; but if, for one second, I stop, and I reflect, and I know that I feel that I can climb those problems, oh, everything becomes really really hard to bear.
Harder than the doubt.
4 comments:
I can see where you are coming from.
I have always been lucky to have a lot of enthusiasm. No talent, just enthusiasm.
Hope you get it sorted. Get crushing Beast.
Your blog is amazingly well written Nibs.
Psych is a funny thing, being psyched for things that aren't on your door step is something I can fully relate to but when you finally get to try these problems and maybe, just maybe tick them, isn't the success even sweeter?
I wish I was able to be in Font all the time picking off problems one after the other but its not possible BUT looking back on my Xmas trip the limited victory I had in that short space of time makes me smile. Every time.
ps - Brad Pit is in a dirty stinking hole anyway.
Keep your chin up Lore, you WILL get a chance to get on Rockatrocity I am sure and with a good nights sleep you would make it look like a path! :)
I am constantly wanting to get on problems I am far away from. The best thing is to keep training and make the most of trips away, get something you really want to do sent, and then make plans for new projects!
thank you all, i really appreciate your comments, i can really feel in good company out there, and it's priceless for me.
thanks.
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