SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

I feel happy. I don't know if I am happy, but I feel happy.

I again got home from work smashed, and again I didn't have enough in me to train seriously, so I didn't, and I feel sorry for that.
My weekend plans are for Amiata top tomorrow and wasting time on sunday, it will be going to a pool to be more precise, but still a waste of time to me.
So, with a long part of the summer still to go, poor skin and feeling weak, my evening has not been very nice. After dinner, though, I took my laptop, put on my headphones and listened to a couple of dozens songs from The Clash and The Who, and I have to say that now I feel happy.
Because while listening to those beats, I still felt the same energy inside, the same bomb going off, the same gigantic "Fuck off you all!" that I had inside when I was 17, and I understood, once again, that I won't change for fuck, I will always be the same asshole despite age and work and everything, and that noone will ever make me do something I don't want to do.
I know they'll never catch me, and I am free again.

GRAZIE

I really want to thank you all guys. Tom, Rich, Lagers, Unai, Filo, and all the others who didn't comment but spent a thought on this.
I was thinking that maybe it's been a very bad idea to write about such private issues, maybe a true gentleman would have sacked it and kept going. Maybe.
For sure I was feeling very bad when I wrote the entry, and I was feeling very very lonely. After all, I think that it was just a way to be hugged by friends. I think I have stolen you your time, do I really have the right to whine on here, and to make poor Unai waste his time in NZ thinking about me? No, I don't have this right, but I'm a very selfish person and when I need something I try to get it.
I needed attention and support, and I got them both, and also a bit of a crack in the back of my head (thanks Unai!).
Things didn't change much in the last week, but some tension released for sure. I won't give up easily, my relationship is fundamental for me: I was with my girlfriend when I topped out on my first Font 8a, and this means something.
Over and out for the moment, but really thank you all.

THOUGHTS OF SAD DAYS

After reading the entry title, at this moment you still can close the page and read something else. What will come is not fun at all.
You sure? Ok, so here you go.
I am both sad and angry. My relationship is falling apart, and despite all the efforts I put in, nothing seems to work. Every argument, whatever its origin, ends up the same way: climbing is the enemy and it has to be slaughtered and sacrificet on the altar of love.
Simply, this will never, never, never fucking never happen. I will sacrifice everythying to my climbing, because, as I have said one million times, I AM MY CLIMBING.
The roots of this situation are lost in time, and despite our efforts to find a fil rouge that could help us understand things better, things are really at the end right now. I have found myself in the same situation before, and with the same girl, but now hope escapes me, I feel I am being forced to renounce to things I love, and I simply don't want it anymore.
Obviously, this is my point of view. If you want to hear her version to be fair, ask her to write a blog.
And now fuck off you all.

CENSORSHIP

Many of you, my reader friends, who daily wait to receive the Truth from Totolore, may have noticed that now the comments, before being published, are going to be moderated, i.e. I will read them before they will appear.
This is obviously not to discourage them, but only to avoid the spamming that I was receiving recently.
So please my friends, feel free to comment more than ever. Thank you.

OMPHALOS

When I am at the bar, I am the center of the universe. I stand there and I watch people pass by. I observe every glance of the barman, I listen to every word every customer pronounces. And I judge humanity upon what I see when at the bar.
So I can see someone asking for a coffee at 8 pm, which is a legitimate thing, but then I can see the same person eating tons of peanuts, chips and everything's on the bar. And that is NOT legitimate. No finger food with coffee. We are civilized people.
Or I can see the fat girl who, after three dishes full of sandwiches, omelette and pasta, is shy to have another drink, because "cocktails contain too much sugar". But I can also see nice couples, or beautiful ladies, well dressed and polite.
So, my friends, go to your local bar, and don't be shy to ask for something a bit particular (maybe not a Singapore Sling when the barman is busy with dozens of customers, or he will hate you forever. The Singapore Sling, however, should only be sipped while in Singapore, with a perfectly shaped 18 year old prostitute to your side), because your barman will be happy to make you your favourite cocktail, will be happy to be doing not the usual gin-and-vodka-and-amaretto-shit, or whatever the tosser wants, to reach unconsciousness as fast as possible.
Remember, when at the bar, be cool, be stilish and be polite, because I could be there, right elbow on the bar, judging humanity.

GUILTY

I feel very guilty for not training as hard as I want. After an easier week, now I would really like to train very hard and very specifically, also.
I can more or less do the first thing, at least with the weights, but I can't really do the second, or at least I can't do anything else than the Beastmaker (which is, anyway, a great thing).
The wall closed last weekend, and now they are dismantling everything. Noone really knows when and where they will reopen; rumors are that they will build a mega wall and everything, but also that they will move away from town: given that the wall was two minutes on bike from my house, that's no wonder.
I keep moving weights in the sweaty, filthy gym and can see some progress. After a short week, with one day dedicated to weights, one to toproping and the rest to drinking with my friends for the Palio, yesterday I hit the weights again and found myself in good power regime. On the bench press, I jumped from 6 to 10 reps of my previously usual weight, then I added 5 more kilos and could still do 2 reps, after just a 3 minutes rest.
I think I have refined my session. Bench press, then 2 exercises to work the triceps in super sets, then back and biceps with various techniques. Yesterday I did the pulley machine one handed, four sets, and then 7 sets of bicep curls, using two different grips. Unluckily my elbow is still achey if I do the normal curl, with palms pointing up. Finally, shoulder and abs.
Today the menu offers back again, probably lat machine one handed and biceps again, still don't know whether in super sets or not.
Then, I am trying to get into better eating habits, this meaning I'm trying to eat a bit less. Not to lose weight, that is one thing that I don't want to do, but to feel better, and not like a T-Rex after eating 1/4 of his bodyweight in one meal.
My sunday Beastmaker session was very good. I am still doing sets of 10" for 6 times for many different holds; currently:
- big rungs;
- 20°;
- 30°;
- mid two, good;
- slopey mono;
- front two, small;
- back two;
- mid two, small;
- small rung;
- back three, small rung;
- small rung.
Last sunday I changed things a bit, to fight a climbing-deprived weekend. On the bigger holds and on those on which I'm stronger, instead of deadhanging 10" I do 5 pull ups, going up and down by the second. On harder holds, I do one set deadhanging and one pulling, and on the hardest ones (monos and back two) I just try to do as many pulls as I can and then I deadhang to complete the 10".
I liked this session and will keep it; it's both fingery and physical (d'oh! could you guess it?) and left me pleasantly worked. It was nice, on monday, to feel my back a bit achey.
So, everything is NOT lost. The summer is long, the gym is closed and I am super eager to step it up. I wonder how the others will survive the period without the gym, then I think that mostly they won't care. The idea of training as hell to boulder 8b is not shared by many, or simply they have less mind issues than me.
My goal is to get out of this summer stronger than ever. The lack of training facilities only makes my will stronger. Strong mind and strong body. Is there anything else?
No.