'TIL YOU GO YOU NEVER KNOW

I went there and did it.
I did the sitstart that was supposed impossible. It seemed impossible because I hadn't understood the right sequence, despite Caminati's informations: when a local came along to say ciao and clearly explained where to put my feet (I had them switched in my sequence), I did the problem on my second go. Second fucking go. I have spent at least two good sessions trying to make my beta work.
Well, my name is now beside only three other names, as far as that problem goes. All the others are mega wads, so I'm pretty well chuffed. Noone thinks Caminati's grade is correct, and that made me a bit less paranoid. Anyway, the grade does not matter anymore, now it's just another red pen mark in my ticklist.
I went there all fucking alone, in my van, driving three hours just for that problem. It rained on the way, and for a few kilometers I thought about going back to the motorway and speed to the Dolomites for a foolish meeting with my friends, but then I kept going. I arrived only to find the forest soaked, but my problem was ust humid. I dried it with all the attention I could, the rock was fresh and I could feel all the small grains under my fingers. I had arrived there confident of the send, but then my beta was nearly impossible without good conditions, my right toe hook regularly slipping off. I was sad and disappointem but I kept thinking that I had another day, and that the forecast was good. So, when the two guys stopped by for a chat, I was shocked in discovering I had completely missed the sequence, making the proper sitter almost impossible. One of my friends told me that he had done the problem third try, and I thought "Yes, that's because you're fucking strong and tall you motherfucker!". Then you already know what happened. Sadly no camera was rolling, so you'll have to be happy with just today's footage put together (today it was boiling, btw). I can clearly recall the surprise of hitting perfectly the horrible undercling with the left hand; I can recall how hard it's been to cut loose and get my left foot far left on a very small spike. I can recall the sensation of still being there, and thinking "Ok let's try it" charging the dyno to the right. I got the arete and held it, and then I thought "Ok now it's time to see if you're a man or if you manage to screw this beautiful thing you've just done". I went for the lip with calm and power, and I knew I wasn't going to miss it. I screamed and screamed and swore from the top, and I heard, after a while, my voice echoing towards the lake. I was spent and happy. Thanks to Matteo an Alberto for the right sequence, but the rest goes to me, only to me, because I was there alone, because I train alone, because I am alone on this path.

WTF?

I had an excellent session at the gym today.

Why? I really don't know. There was nothing different from other sessions that went bad, I had worked today, my back was a bit achey, in the gym it was 29° and 60% humidity, but somehow I felt good.
I was scheduled to do the second fingerboard session of this new cycle, but it lasted short, because I felt the urge to climb. I just did some one arm deadhangs, and a couple of one armers, then I put my shoes on.
One problem with a nasty move that I had never done saw me sticking the move three times in a row and proceeding at full speed ahead. One other under the 60° wall (my home away from home) gave me a great sensation of control of my body and that made me happy again, excellent body tension (well, excellent for me at least), precise movements.
So the first week is over, two weights sessions and two fingerboarding sessions. I'm tired, but less tired than at the beginning of the week: for the first session of weights I chose to play it safe, with good volume and many reps to have some muscle conditioning, but alot of excercises and 4 sets of 12 moves each rewarded me with a full 48 hours of DOMS. It felt much better yesterday, even if a bit tired at the lat machine, which I am using with one arm, with a handle.
Anyway, tomorrow it seems I'm going bouldering. My friends went to taste Dolomites for the first time in the summer (crazy fucking rainy summer so far up there), but I didn't feel like going 100%. Yesterday it had rained again, so the boulders are going to be wet, and I didn't want to just do long routes, plus the day my girlfriend will graduate is rapidly approaching and her final thesis is being finished, so I chose to go a little bit closer.
The goal of the weekend is to climb "Cogli l'attimo", a problem at Lagoni area, put up by power monster Caminati himself and graded 7c. Ah ah, 7c my ass.
This problem is tricky. It's supposed to be a sitter, but if I sit start I can't reach any foothold (it's a roof), so last year I tried it and almost did it starting from the pads: Michele told me the sequence, so I know that it's definitely ok to start like that, a sort of crouching start, but I would like to do a proper sitter tomorrow, even if I know it will be excruciatingly, horribly, annoyingly hard. I will hate it.
You are under a roof, you have a one tip downfacing hold with a razor lip. If you crouch start, you throw your right foot far right, to toe hook the arete of the roof, and you paste your left foot under the roof, on the softest footholds ever found. They break as you brush them (damn sanstone!). So, from this very uncomfy position, you have to pull really hard (but not so hard that you cut loose) to get a horrible undercling, then you keep yourself tight and go for the arete, which happens to be quite slopey, you switch toe for heel hook, you brace yourself and then you dyno with your right hand to the goodish bit, then to the jug. Four moves in total, really really brutal.
To explain how hard it felt to me last year, I can only tell you that I was worried for my right bicep to explode when holding the arete (touching wood) so strenuous a move it was.
So tomorrow I want to sit start this nightmare, and that means just pulling footless on the edge and try to grab the arete with your right foot, then do all the above.
Finally, my thoughts today went to the problem up at Città dei Sassi I wrote about past november (150 days until June), and to how much I want to do it.

HISTORIA MAGISTRA VITAE

I've spent the last day thinking about why, one single bad day out threw me into such a bad, depressed, angry mood.
I think it's because it surprised me, and took me back to reality, and I don't like this reality. Which reality, you may ask. Well, a real reality, in which I'm not a bouldering monster, I'm not as strong as I'd like, I'm not as good as I whish, and I don't even crush hard problems the way true monsters do.
My big big mistake has been, thinking that I was the shit. Thinking that, because I sent a couple of project this past winter and I did a few other problems in familiar areas recently, I was at the top of the game, of my game.
Surprise surprise, I'm not the shit, I'm just shit.
I am absolutely average, and every time I step into the gym I'm reminded about this: I stand speechless as climbers that I judge not strong repeat my problems, sometimes very very easily. I know that I change alot when on rock, but I should stop thinking about myself as a strong mofo just because I can do a couple of one armers or deadhang an edge.
Reality is, that I am and feel weak. My fingers feel weak, my body feels weak, and if I keep setting my own problems at the gym, instead of trying to crush other people's ones, is that I can't do their problems.
In the lonesome comfort of the fingerboard, or alone under the 60° wall I feel less weak and closer to a wad, but only in confrontation one can find self confidence.
I went to Amiata secure of my success and came home shocked about how poorly I did. Where does the truth lie? I don't know, I think it lies between Font 6a and 8c. I am somewhere in there, hopefully closer to the bigger number (just in numerical terms, because in climbing terms I'm closer to 6a than to 8c), but what is really important is the direction of my movement. I feel that I'm not exactly moving backwards, but I'm not sure I'm moving forward and I don't like this feeling. I think I am a bit tired of training for so little climbing, then I tell myself that I'm working for my goals, for my two problems at the Dolomites of this (rainy) summer, then for my hopefully longer stay in UK. But it's very hard, because I know that I could reap some reward, even in my poor climbing state, and that could push my mood up.
Anyway, one thing came to my mind very clearly today: I have to embrace more deeply this discipline, I have to be more serious and even more dedicated, not in terms of time put into it, but in terms of faith and behaviour. Living the monk life comes to my mind, and I am pretty sure to understand Big Malc's thoughts of when he sent and named that problem.
When Keith came here, he sent one problem that he called "Giorni Scuri" (Dark Days), a very big gift for me, because it was dedicated to my, and to his, and to ours, dark days spent dangling from fingerboards in chalky bedrooms, or yelling in cold cellars. Those dark days made possible for me to find myself on top of that problem on my second go of the day, one thing once thought almost impossible.
Somewhere during my walk towards the 8c end of the scale, I lost my dark days, and start living the spotlight days, looking cool in the gym, looking cool at the boulders, writing cocky shit on this diary. The night before going to Amiata the other day, I ate poorly and drank one bottle of champagne, then went to bed almost at 3 am. No wonder I did so badly. It's cool to be a bit gangsta, but only after crushing. Crushing before, champagne later.
The enlightning is to embrace the dark days again, even deeper, and even darker days.
I want to feel the sensation of having power inside myself. I want to think about my fingers in terms of things that can hold onto any hold. I want to find every problem easy. I want to get bored of crushing 8a's and dedicate myself to the quest of power again. If could have a wish from a genius, I'd ask to be the strongest. Sadly, there is no genius, so the only thing that I can so is to try and become the strongest. It's obviously impossible, but I have to try and become stronger than anyone I know, and being it also impossible, I have to try and become stronger than myself.
I don't want to feel weak anymore. I know it will be very difficult, especially with still a bad finger, but the goal is there, and I want to move in that direction. I need to move in that direction because I hate every single second of my last climbing day. I hate the clouds, the soaking humidity, the pain of the pointy holds on my soft tips, the emptiness of my arms, the endless distances between my hands and the target holds, the thought "I can't hold this" that never left my mind. I hate these feelings, I hate those boulders. I also hate myself for losing sight of the real goal, that is just one: progressing. Progressing steadily and endlessly, with no goal line in sight. It's far too easy to sprint when the final line is there, in front of us. The real challenge is to sprint when you still can't see the end.
I want to sprint for a dream again. And I want to do it now. And I want to sleep well because I dedicated my entire self to this pursuit.
Bonne nuit.